Searching for Passion

My second week of The Sacred Romance has been more introspective. The purpose is to identify what makes you feel closer to God, how does God woo you. It wants you to identify what your passions are; where do you find God? Is it a place, a hobby, a movie, a song, etc.. As a teenager and young adult, I had many passions, which over the years have been replaced by the roles I am expected to fill, or my sense of duty. I know I have strong sense of responsibility; which often leads me to think less of those who don't take their responsibilities as seriously as I do. I have longed to get back those passions along the way; halfheartedly albeit, again that sense of responsibility always gets in the way. One of those passions from my youth is photography. I thought I was pretty good; after all I was the photographer for the yearbook. I had been given my parents' 35mm camera, and learned to use it on my own. I would try different settings on the same subject, only to spend money to develop the film and find only a few good pictures on the whole roll. I enjoyed looking at things from different perspectives. Since then, over the years, I have longed for another camera. This year my husband bought me one for Christmas, a digital SLR camera. I am now paralyzed with fear on how to use it. When did this fear creep into my life? When I was young, I had no fear. I knew, I could do anything I set my mind to; I was so confident. I also loved music, all kinds of music; and singing. I would lose myself in my room listening to the radio, an album, 45 or even one of my dad's 8-tracks. I would sing at the top of my lungs with wild abandon. I would belt out songs imagining I was Janice Joplin, Joan Jett, or Pat Benatar. Now I barely sing in front of anyone, worried about what others would think. Again, when did that fear creep in to my life? I took guitar lessons briefly a couple of times, I played the flute through junior and senior high school. About five years ago I attempted guitar lessons, and really enjoyed it, until my sense of duty kicked in. I was pregnant and not working; I had better things to do with my money and time. I used to love going to the beach; I could stay there all day, soaking in the sun, listening to the waves, and cooling off in the water. There was something healing about the salt water. My husband prefers to go to the beach early, he also like to leave before the heat of the day; and he doesn't care for the feel of the salt water on his skin. My son enjoys going to the beach too, and he is fun to be with; he loves to explore and build sand castles, but its not the same.

This week I was also thinking about attending church when I was young. I was always active in the choir and youth groups. I faithfully attended weekly CCD classes. I went all by myself, and didn't mind; now I search aisles for a familiar face and secretly wish that my husband would have the desire to attend with me. I also went to church with my grandparents on occasion. I remember how my grandmother would bury her head in her hands in prayer which sometimes lead to weeping. It was almost as if she felt unworthy of being in God's presence. She loved God, Jesus, the virgin Mary, a devout catholic. It wasn't until years after she died that I learned of her dark secret guilt. This guilt had prevented her from experiencing the love of God that I am well aware of. The love that I am longing to feel again. I know in my head of God's love, I'm just not feeling it as strongly as I have before. My grandmother had a strong love for God; I saw it first hand. It was her sense of religion and duty to her religion that prevented her from feeling and understanding how God so loved her.

This bible study is certainly different from any I have encountered before; it is definitely a journey of self-discovery. I secretly wish that I could complete the workbook, send it in to someone who would examine it, "diagnose me", and send back the answer; a prescription of sorts which outlines exactly what I need to do to fix myself. I guess that sums it up...I feel like I need to be fixed.

Wow!

Sometimes I have a tendency to make big things out of little things. I over analayze, second-guess myself, and even try to out-do my original plan. This is something that has prevented me from accomplishing many things in my lifetime. I either get overwhelmed and never start; or I get over-involved and lose track of the original idea or plan. Today was a good example. Once a month I teach Science at Derrick's school. Some of you may wonder "What can you teach a K4 class about Science?", or "How hard can that be?". Well as with most things, I often wait until the last minute to fianalize things; mind you, I do plan ahead, thinking up ideas and searching the internet. I just wait until the last possible moment to execute. My husband will tell you that I am not very good about estimating the time needed to accomplish things. Last night I attempted to execute my great idea, researched the internet , created a worksheet, gathered all the necessary things to really impress the other parents. I was going to really wow those kids and teach them something they would never forget. Then I went to print....nothing! I changed the ink...nothing! I played around with the document settings (I don't give up easily)...Nothing!! I said to myself, "God are you trying to tell me something?" This morning I had every intention of doing the project, just without the worksheet (maybe it still had the wow factor). As we arrived at school this morning Derrick and I had made a discovery...the courtyard fountain was frozen (yes it gets that cold in Florida!). Quick change of plans, I took the kids in small groups to see and touch the fountain and talked about how cold it got last night, and at what temperature water freezes. One of Derrick's classmates ran in and said "Wow, that was so great!".



Isn't it funny how my original elaborate plan was going to have that wow factor; and yet the simple last minute stop and look is what really yielded the wow. God wants that for all of us. He wants us to keep it simple, slow down and take the time to take in what is around us. It is in the little things, that we can find the biggest wow!

God, I pray that you will slow us down from all the busyness and demands of the day. Quiet our hearts so that we may experience what you have planned for us. Teach us to stop making things so complicated. Help us to keep a humble spirit. In Jesus name,

Amen

A good Start

The bible study that I started this week is The Sacred Romance ... Drawing Closer to the Heart of God by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge. It was definitely God who brought me to this study; for this study is specifically for those who have lost touch with their heart. The first chapter describes how we react to the feeling of uneasiness and malaise within our spirit by stepping up our service, try to read and learn more about things like prayer, and even scold ourselves thinking we are spiritually immature. Our external lives is what earns us our labels, I often wondered what labels I have earned from others. One would like to think the "labels" we give to ourselves would match those given by others. Over time our outer life is totally disconnected from our inner life; which in turn, leads to us falling away from our spiritual journey because our hearts just won't come along. The quote which opens chapter one pretty much sums up how I have been feeling:

"Thirsty hearts are those whose longings have been wakened by the touch of God within him."

A.W. Tozer

I did not read about the study before joining, I just ordered the book, the workbook and CD and showed up. As I said before I immediately had a sense I was where I needed to be. Journaling is encouraged and there is a section in back of the workbook to journal. Those who know me well, know "I don't journal". I have desired to, but simply get dismayed by the scattered thoughts and give up. This blog, in and of itself is an attempt to journal in hopes of gaining some accountability and possibly some encouragement.

I have tried to stay focused this week, and I have spent quite some time reading my bible, my book and trying to piece it all together. The busyness of life, and fears somehow always manage to provide a distraction, so did the pain I have had for a couple of weeks. The pain worsened and provided so much distraction from even my busyness and sleep, that I actually decided to have it checked out; and today I had a root canal.

This week my husband and I attended and open house at a local school which I have desired to send our son. Plenty of research, contemplation and worrying went into the process of choosing a school for him. You would think we were sending him off to college; but no, this is just kindergarten. I want so desperately to guard his heart, and I find it a little funny that all the while I have been ignoring my own.

"Above all else, guard your heart,for it is the wellspring of life."

Proverbs 4:23

Fear of finances has prevented me from even thinking it would even be possible to send him to this school, and I am well aware of the sacrifices I will be making to do so. By the way we also enrolled in Financial Peace, which we will start together in February.

Although there are some blanks in my workbook, I feel I have made a good start...

Yearning

January 13, 2009
I have felt like I have been going through the motions in my walk with God. The feeling is a bit unsettling, a yearning for "more". I just didn't know what that "more" was. I had grown stagnant in my walk, a level of complacency which I have been half-heartedly trying to shed for about a year now. I have looked to my friends in hopes of shedding this feeling, but the more time I spend with them the more unsettled I have felt. I took a leap of faith in trying to find a small group that would set my course, today was our first meeting. I hurried through my morning trying to accomplish too much, allowed the enemy to feed my insecurities; and while driving with my head in a fog, I was stopped for speeding. I was going over 50mph in a 35 zone. Thank you God for getting my attention, and for getting me off with only a warning; and God Bless the Sherrif who stopped me. I arrived just in time, and immediately had a sense of being where I needed to be. My hope for this Blog is to keep me focused, to keep in touch with others, and to deepen my relationship with God.