My second week of The Sacred Romance has been more introspective. The purpose is to identify what makes you feel closer to God, how does God woo you. It wants you to identify what your passions are; where do you find God? Is it a place, a hobby, a movie, a song, etc.. As a teenager and young adult, I had many passions, which over the years have been replaced by the roles I am expected to fill, or my sense of duty. I know I have strong sense of responsibility; which often leads me to think less of those who don't take their responsibilities as seriously as I do. I have longed to get back those passions along the way; halfheartedly albeit, again that sense of responsibility always gets in the way. One of those passions from my youth is photography. I thought I was pretty good; after all I was the photographer for the yearbook. I had been given my parents' 35mm camera, and learned to use it on my own. I would try different settings on the same subject, only to spend money to develop the film and find only a few good pictures on the whole roll. I enjoyed looking at things from different perspectives. Since then, over the years, I have longed for another camera. This year my husband bought me one for Christmas, a digital SLR camera. I am now paralyzed with fear on how to use it. When did this fear creep into my life? When I was young, I had no fear. I knew, I could do anything I set my mind to; I was so confident. I also loved music, all kinds of music; and singing. I would lose myself in my room listening to the radio, an album, 45 or even one of my dad's 8-tracks. I would sing at the top of my lungs with wild abandon. I would belt out songs imagining I was Janice Joplin, Joan Jett, or Pat Benatar. Now I barely sing in front of anyone, worried about what others would think. Again, when did that fear creep in to my life? I took guitar lessons briefly a couple of times, I played the flute through junior and senior high school. About five years ago I attempted guitar lessons, and really enjoyed it, until my sense of duty kicked in. I was pregnant and not working; I had better things to do with my money and time. I used to love going to the beach; I could stay there all day, soaking in the sun, listening to the waves, and cooling off in the water. There was something healing about the salt water. My husband prefers to go to the beach early, he also like to leave before the heat of the day; and he doesn't care for the feel of the salt water on his skin. My son enjoys going to the beach too, and he is fun to be with; he loves to explore and build sand castles, but its not the same.
This week I was also thinking about attending church when I was young. I was always active in the choir and youth groups. I faithfully attended weekly CCD classes. I went all by myself, and didn't mind; now I search aisles for a familiar face and secretly wish that my husband would have the desire to attend with me. I also went to church with my grandparents on occasion. I remember how my grandmother would bury her head in her hands in prayer which sometimes lead to weeping. It was almost as if she felt unworthy of being in God's presence. She loved God, Jesus, the virgin Mary, a devout catholic. It wasn't until years after she died that I learned of her dark secret guilt. This guilt had prevented her from experiencing the love of God that I am well aware of. The love that I am longing to feel again. I know in my head of God's love, I'm just not feeling it as strongly as I have before. My grandmother had a strong love for God; I saw it first hand. It was her sense of religion and duty to her religion that prevented her from feeling and understanding how God so loved her.
This bible study is certainly different from any I have encountered before; it is definitely a journey of self-discovery. I secretly wish that I could complete the workbook, send it in to someone who would examine it, "diagnose me", and send back the answer; a prescription of sorts which outlines exactly what I need to do to fix myself. I guess that sums it up...I feel like I need to be fixed.
Building a Healthy “1000 Days” Microbiome (predicts lifelong health or
chronic diease)
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